*chuckles and snorts in a light-hearted TV-friendly fashion* "Glad you asked, Bob! I was snoozing. And then I awoke. That’s how I knew I’d been called upon and guided to found this Church. Due to the random nature of the event I feel this is all the proof required. Cults I mean Churches and Religions dating back 2,000+ years and more have been founded on far, far less."
Nope. I am literally just making this shit up as I go along, which may actually be the only real "rule" to adhere to in worship of RNGesus.
Hell: No hell except the "hell" of never getting the drop you are looking for. If there was a hell tho you can bet your Sweet Aunt Petunia that it would definitely be randomly generated.
Heaven: It's all in the drops, homie.
Prayers are less "formal prayers" and more "yelling at loot boxes, dice, drop tables, and matchmaking systems with intense spiritual conviction." A proper prayer sounds something like:
"Please, my Lord, I have been loyal. I have suffered. I have grinded. I have opened 47 crates and received 46 pairs of green pants and one uncommon spoon. I ask not for much. Just one decent roll. One. Not even a god roll. I am not greedy. I am your humble servant. Please stop giving me trash."
— Considered a sacred text in many circles.
Mostly disappointment followed by another attempt. Sometimes there is chanting. Sometimes there is silence.
Sometimes there is a grown adult staring at a screen saying, "No way. No way. NO WAY," after pulling the exact same useless item for the ninth time in a row. That is what we call a "moment of divine testing."
You’ll know. Usually it begins with a feeling. A tug in the soul. A whisper in the brain. A dangerous level of confidence.
You suddenly say things like, "This next one is definitely it," despite having absolutely no evidence to support such a claim. That is not delusion. That is faith.
Yes. Unfortunately it is never you.
There is always some guy in global chat who says, "lol got it first try," and that man has clearly been kissed on the forehead by destiny itself. We hate him, but in a respectful religious way.
Mainly acting like skill alone determines everything. Look, skill matters. Sure. Fine. Whatever. But do not come in here pretending you are some grand master tactician when the boss dropped your dream item on run three and I am on run eighty-four surviving on caffeine, resentment, and a threadbare sense of self-worth.
Pride is a sin. Also linking your drop in chat with "ez" attached to it. That is mega-sin.
Reserved for the most unforgivable offenses:
That last one gets you launched directly into the Sea of Heresy.
Superstition: We fully support it. Lucky socks, lucky menu timing, lucky side of the couch. Are they real? Not the point. Faith is doing weird nonsense with total confidence.
Pets: All pets go to heaven. Dogs get in instantly (pure of heart). Cats are not judged; they are simply recognized as upper management.
No one knows for sure, but I believe we gather at the end before the Great Cosmic Drop Table. Our entire existence is evaluated by a hooded figure who mutters, "Damn. Tough luck," before handing us either eternal glory or another pair of duplicate boots.
Pity is an insult. It is the developer looking at your account and saying, "Wow, you are so statistically pathetic that we have to artificially intervene so you don't uninstall."
We take the pity drop, yes. But we do not respect it. It is the participation trophy of the Gacha world.
Datamining is the dark art of the faithless.
Knowing that an item has a 0.003% chance to drop does not help you. It only gives your despair a mathematical foundation. Stay ignorant. Roll with blind, unearned confidence.
Real stories from the congregation. Names have not been changed because anonymity is for cowards who play on easy mode.
I prayed at the Altar of Probability and immediately pulled a Mythic rarity mount. Then the server crashed, rolling back my account by ten minutes. The Lord tests us in mysterious ways. I am currently screaming into a pillow.
My wife told me it was 'her or the raid.' I told her the raid boss drops the Ring of Absolute Dominion, and she only drops my credit score. RNGesus blessed my honesty with a first-try drop. I live in my car now, but my DPS is unmatched.
I spent $4,000 on digital crates to get a skin that turns my gun pink. I did not get it. I got 400 identical brown pants. I am a broken man, but my faith has never been stronger. Next paycheck, it’s mine.
Offer your hopes, click the button, and receive your judgment. RNGesus sees all algorithms.
Will you receive trash, or absolute divinity?
What? Do I look stupid? Of course I accept donations. Send me a PM and we’ll work out the fastest possible way to get your life-savings into my wallet! Now quit asking me all these stupid ass questions and bugger off.
Want to start your own chapter? Get one table, one chair, one object of meaningless probability, and the confidence to speak absolute nonsense. I strongly encourage it so I can delegate responsibility and take all the credit.
Mock if you must. Laugh if you dare. Roll your eyes. Scoff. Point. Judge.
But when that one impossible drop finally lands in your trembling little hands, and your mouth falls open, and your whole body fills with holy electricity, and you whisper, "No freaking way..."
You’ll remember me.
You’ll remember this Church.
And you’ll know.
Not in your mind.
Not in your heart.
But in your inventory.